So now that we’ve talked about knowing when it’s time to walk away from a relationship and how to move on once you’ve done so, let’s move on to figuring out if you’re ready for another relationship. I feel like this is the part that so many people struggle to be honest with themselves about. This whole culture of competing with one another over who cared less is so dumb and toxic to our own mental health. How are we going to sit there and lie to ourselves? Why is caring about someone viewed as a sign of weakness? Having compassion makes you weak? Since when? Compassion is only viewed as weakness by those who are not complex enough to express more than one emotion at a time. Don’t be dense. You’re allowed to be upset over any type of loss, but still know your strength. That doesn’t make you weak, it makes you a human being. Embrace being human. It’s kind of cool every now and then. Especially when you get to experience said feelings such as joy and love. We are drawn to relationships because being with another person that we care about brings some form of positive emotion about in us that we don’t feel with other people. It’s not a bad thing if being with someone made you feel. What’s bad is acting reckless post-breakup to pretend like you don’t feel anything. Is there any guaranteed, step-by-step guide on how to know whether or not you’re ready to be with someone else? No, of course not because everyone is different. These are just some of the things I took into consideration before asking myself, am I really ready for a relationship if the right person were to come along? The reason I’m writing this is because yes, I think I am because I think I have fully healed from things that would have previously held me back from pursuing anything with anyone. Do I want a relationship right now? Not entirely, just because I have a lot of things happening right now that are keepings me ridiculously busy, but yes, if I met someone who just kind of felt right, I’d be willing to squeeze time in to my schedule to get to know someone. I’d still want to take things incredibly slow though. I don’t know what the obsession is with people trying to just rush into relationships. To me that screams two people who don’t trust each other without a title, but even then, probably will still have trust issues. Getting into a relationship with someone you already have trust issues with is so not it, chief. That is not and never will be the healthy choice. Your conscience is a part of your body and your body is a temple. It’s time to start treating it as such. Now, that does not mean abstaining from anything, it means only treating your mind and body to the best of those things. Never settling. To get to this point, there are 3 very important questions you need to ask yourself, and you need to answer them honestly. Again, there is no point in lying to yourself.
- Am I okay?
- When we are sad, it’s hard to focus on much more than what we are sad about. When we are really sad, we tend to focus on the sadness aspect so much that we also neglect certain things, like basic hygiene and food intake. So ask yourself, are you back to a normal routine? Are you taking care of yourself? Are you back on your feet? Are you doing the things that need to be done on a daily basis to help you function? Break-ups can take a lot out of a person. There’s nothing wrong with admitting a break-up is taking a while to heal from, just as long as you aren’t lying to yourself and are working everyday towards healing. Once you’ve established you’re physically okay, then you can ask yourself the next question.
- Am I over my past relationships?
- Relationships being plural. You think you’re ready to move on from your last relationship, but was that the only one you still had any unresolved feelings about? Even if you think it won’t matter because it was so long ago, feelings still needs to be dealt with. Whatever your hang up is, address it and move on from it. Let it go. Don’t tell yourself that it’s something you just can’t let go of, because yes you can. You are the only one stopping you from doing it. Don’t hold yourself back. Letting go isn’t about trying to forget something, it’s about no longer letting it cause you pain. You’re allowed to remember and enjoy your memories, just don’t let them set you back with your progress. Remind yourself of why the relationship didn’t work and let that go from being what angers you, to what calmly reminds you of why the relationship did not work out and why it is okay to let it go knowing you won’t be missing out on anything. Once you can admit that you are no longer holding on to anything from a past relationship, you can ask yourself the final question.
- Am I okay with the thought of ending up alone?
- To me, this one is the hardest to face, but the absolute most important question to confidently be able to say yes to. Now, I’m not saying that you need to be okay being alone forever, it’s just about accepting the fact that a romantic relationship is not a necessity for your life and that if you don’t find someone who you feel matches your energy, you’ll be okay knowing you never settled. Work on yourself first. Reach the point of being happy with who you are to the point that you’re no longer trying to be someone other people want you to be. For me, I put all of my time and energy into my work. That’s where I let my real self come out and that helped bring me back to my real self. Plus, I don’t feel like time spent working is time wasted. I can keep putting all of my focus there so when the right person comes along, I’ll know it’s because I wasn’t searching for them. When you stop obsessing over being in a relationship, is usually when the right person will come along and will find you. Relationships are luxuries that should be built between two individuals who both know that they can survive on their own, but who enjoy being together more. I think many people often blur the lines between dating and dependance and that is where things can get messy. You shouldn’t be seeking out a relationship to find your other half or to find someone who completes you or because you want to live under a roof with two incomes. You should be just as well off on your own as you are with someone. If you aren’t, figure out how to get there. Don’t put all of your faith into having a second income to help take care of you. Figure out how to build the life you want for yourself, by yourself, then you should be able to welcome someone else who has done the same for themselves. Be somebody that you would want to be with. Hold onto your independence even in a relationship. Be complete on your own and only allow someone else to come into your life if you feel they will add value to your life and you for them. Putting up with someone’s bad qualities just because they are attractive is no reason to be in a relationship. You aren’t going to “fix” them and you shouldn’t want to either. You shouldn’t have the time. When you are confident enough in yourself and pull the focus from finding a relationship to bettering the things in your life, you no longer have the time to put up with those kind of relationships. I knew I was ready for another relationship when I stopped looking for someone to be with. I no longer cared about being single or not having someone. I wanted to be single because I got tired of wasting my time with people who I didn’t feel were on my same wavelength. A relationship should happen naturally when two people least expect it. Do I want a relationship right now? Again, no. I’m at one of the busiest points in my life right now and I don’t have a lot of free time, but on the inside I know that I am at peace with all of my past relationships/hook-ups/flings/etc. and I have let all of those feelings go. I am also at peace with who I am and am working on bettering that person everyday, so I know that if the right person came along, I would welcome getting to know that person if I could potentially see a relationship forming. This is why it’s so important to take notice when someone says they are too busy to talk or hangout. Once or twice shouldn’t raise too many flags if they are seeing you at other times (because people ARE busy), but if it’s an every time thing or they always have an excuse not to see you, take the hint. They don’t want to see you. Someone who is genuinely interested in you will make the time to talk to/see you and you will do the same. Once you’ve reached that level of inner acceptance, you’ll no longer want to give up your precious time to those who you feel will waste it. Take notice of this as well. See who you are actually willing to give your time to. That will be a pretty good indication of who you feel adds some sort of value to your life. The second we stop viewing relationships as necessities will be the day we are all ready to welcome the right relationship. Find someone who makes YOU want to be the best version of yourself for them. I noticed in past relationships, I just tried to be the person they wanted me to be and this always made me lose sight of who I was. By working towards being your best self, you don’t lose sight of who you are. You embrace it and accelerate it. That is when you should attract the right person. When you are being you 100%, authentically you. Then if you find the right person, they should make you want to be the best version of yourself for the both of you. Find that person that loves you for you, so that you want to continuously work on yourself because you know you both deserve the best version of you. Ignore the “biological clock.” Women have much more time to be fertile than the world wants you to believe. People focus too much on the family aspect of life and let that blind them from the problems in the relationship. You wouldn’t knowingly build a house on a bad foundation, so why try and build a family on one? Do yourself a favor and promise to never settle. Remind yourself that life on your own can be as exciting as you make it, so make it exciting. Give yourself a life that you love sharing with yourself so that when someone comes along who you want to share that life with, you know they are the right one. Don’t second guess yourself by constantly questioning if they are right for you. When they are right, you will know. It’s something you can feel and it’s a different feeling than you’ve had before. Don’t let anyone waste your time until you find the one who you feel time spent with is never wasted.